


Anything But Love

by WindandWords



Series: Clexa Week 2021 [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Accidental Love Confessions, Angst, Clexa Week, Clexa Week 2021, Day 1, F/F, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, takes place between seasons 2 and 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29797587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindandWords/pseuds/WindandWords
Summary: In the aftermath of the Mountain, Lexa follows Clarke to keep her safe and in hopes of getting her to return to her position as leader of the Skaikru. Lexa overhears something she was not expecting.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Series: Clexa Week 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2190240
Comments: 11
Kudos: 57
Collections: Clexaweek2021





	Anything But Love

The quiet sounds of the forest would normally soothe Lexa’s nerves. After all, the woods were somewhat of a safe haven to her, they were dangerous yes, if you were alone and unprepared but she had not been unprepared for many years. In fact, every chirp of a bird, rustle of a bush, and soft hushed footfall brings back memories of traversing the forest with Anya when Lexa was only a young second.

At the time, learning to track, hunt, and survive in the wildness with only Anya as her guide had not been a pleasant experience. Anya was a strict, sometimes bordering on harsh, teacher but the woman had pushed Lexa to become who she was today.

What would Anya think of her now? The Commander who united the Clans, an achievement Anya helped her gain before being taken by the Mountain Men, now struggling to hold those same Clans together.

With the fall of the Mountain, by the hands of Skaikru, no less, many of the Clans saw little reason to submit to the Coalition.

Lexa sighed quietly and rubbed a across her forehead trying in vain to stop the headache that was beginning to form. No, the forest and its memories would offer no solace to the Commander today. Not when there was so much to be done, so much to figure out in order to protect her people.

Skaikru was seen as a threat by most of the Clans only Luna and the levelheaded Floukru seemed to see them as potential allies after the Mountain. Of course, that mattered little when the Skaikru themselves were no longer interested in being allies of the Coalition. _Not that the distrust is not warranted,_ Lexa thinks even as she stops walking, leaning down to get a better look at the tracks in front of her. The boot prints in the dirt were not well defined, the person taking obvious care to mask their tracks, even the spacing of the tracks showed a level of care. Boot prints would appear and then disappear for several feet, as the owner found better ground to step on that left fewer notable tracks, before the boots finally reappeared several feet from the last mark. _She is getting better._

Straightening from her crouch, Lexa continued forward, getting closer to the real reason she is out in the forest today. It had been hard enough to slip away from her duties, but this was important. Lexa would not sit back and watch her life’s work crumble to pieces. Watch as the Clans were dragged into a meaningless war, waged only to sate the egos of people like Queen Nia or Titus.

No, she was the Commander and Lexa would not allow more of her people to bleed for nothing. But first, she needed to prove the Skaikru were not a threat, that they were set on vengeance after the betrayal at the Mountain. The was only one person that could make the Skaikru see that it was in their best interest to accept an alliance, only one person from Skaikru that the Clans would respect enough to quiet their cries for war.

The sound of a soft broken sob stops Lexa in her tracks. Without even having to think about it she knew who was making those sounds. The person she came here to find. Clarke.

Moments passed and the sobs continued each one more broken than the last. A part of Lexa ached to go to Clarke and comfort her, but she knew that Clarke would not react well to that. Still, she had to do something, she came here on a mission, to make sure Clarke was safe and to convince her to help repair the alliance between the Clans and Skaikru.

Slowly, carefully, Lexa stepped closer to the sounds of crying, only stopping when she could peer through the trees and see Clarke. The Commander was pressed against a tree hidden well enough that even a fully alert Clarke would be unable to see her, let alone one that was in this state.

Further into the clearing, Clarke sat next to the mouth of a cave, back resting against the hard rock.

_Good she found shelter._ The last thing the scout in charge of keeping an eye on Clarke, had told Lexa, the Skai Leader had been sleeping out in the open on the forest floor, with little protection.

Lexa forced her thoughts away and focused on the sobbing leader, because that was what Clarke was, even if she did not want to admit it. The golden-haired girl was staring at her hands which were covered in crimson, still fresh if the way it slowly dripped down her arms was any indication. A wave of sharp nauseating fear coursed through the normally stoic Commander as she frantically scanned the other girl for injuries.

Nothing. _Then where is the blood-._ The questioning thought cut before it could finish forming as the Grounder Commander’s eyes landed on a half-skinned rabbit and a bloody knife laying discarded a short distance from Clarke. Likely thrown in a moment of panic.

“So much blood. So much blood on my hands. All my fault. It’s all my fault. I’m a monster” The words were gasped out between sobs, repeating over and over as Clarke stared, blank and glassy eyed at her hands.

There was nothing Lexa could do but watch in silence as Clarke seemed to snap out of her endless staring. But it did nothing to stop the sobbing or the choked-out words repeating as if on a loop. It might have been easier to handle watching Clarke just stare blankly instead of the now manic way she was wiping her hands on her pants and shirt, desperately trying to clean the blood from her hands. All it did was smear it, leaving crimson stains on her clothes as well as her hands.

Pain stabbed Lexa right in the chest. Her heart felt like it was being wrenched out, as she watched Clarke, the person who had endured so much, had done all these impressive feats in the short amount of time she had been on Earth, the living legend, shatter to pieces before her eyes.

_I did this to her._ As if she had heard the Grounder’s thoughts, Clarke’s frantic movements stopped, and her hands tightened into fists. For a brief moment, Lexa feared she had gotten careless and spoken out loud. Blue eyes, once bright and full of ambition and life, now clouded by tears and misery did not glance anywhere near Lexa’s hiding place.

Clarke’s gaze did not seem to be focused on anything in particular, instead, flitting about wildly. In an instant her mood changed, and Clarke’s tears and misery turned to anger. “No!” The word exploded from her so passionately and abruptly that it took even bit of discipline that Anya and Titus had instilled in Lexa as a child to keep her from jumping in surprise. “I may be a monster, but she gave me no choice.”

It was easy to guess who Clarke was referring to. When Lexa had taken that deal, she knew it would hurt Clarke, but she had never dreamed that it would do this.

“She betrayed me. She left me no choice. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have had to kill so many people.” At the word kill, the blonde’s voice cracked, and she bowed her head even as her fists remained clenched.

A minute passed and it seemed like Clarke had settled down but right as Lexa had finally decided to step into the clearing, steeling herself for the hatred that would no doubt be spit at her, the blonde girl spoke up again.

“She betrayed me, walked away like it was nothing. I loved her and she just left me alone, to die.”

The words froze Lexa’s breath in her chest, and she felt lightheaded, as she gripped the rough bark of the tree in front of her, trying to ground herself. The bark cut into her fingers as she squeezed tighter and the dull prick of pain was enough. She drew in a breath sharper and louder than intended but Clarke did not notice. The other girl was too shocked by her own words to notice anything else; Clarke’s head had snapped up from her bowed position and her blue eyes were wide in disbelief.

“I-I can’t have lo-loved her. It was too soon” Clarke’s stuttered as if trying to explain herself to some imaginary person or maybe she was just trying to reassure herself. Several moments pass before Clarke slumped in on herself, arms hugging her knees and shoulders shaking, as words poured out of her. “Oh god, I think I was falling in love with her. Why did it have to be her?”

Broken sobs once again began to pour from the clearing and the Grounder Commander, pale and shaken, blinked back tears of her own. This time though Lexa knew what had to be done.

A part of Lexa, the part that was all Commander screamed at her to enter the clearing and talk to Clarke. Convince her to put aside her needs and help Lexa hold together a quickly dissolving peace. But the part that was Lexa, just Lexa, who was hurt by her own decision and the agony it was causing the person she may have just been starting to love as well, could not do it. Could not walk into that clearing and demand that this broken, shattered leader pick herself up and continue to lead an ungrateful people. Not yet. Clarke deserved to grieve, she deserved to rage in a way Lexa was never allowed. And even if it killed her and it might, Lexa would give Clarke this gift even if she would never know. With one last look at the girl, the leader, that Lexa had come to respect and even love, she turned and began her journey back to her people, sparing Clarke one last thought. _May we meet again._


End file.
